True Love is to Bleed

2011-03-19T18:46:00.000+08:00

好無聊喔。怎麼搞得！

2011-01-16T22:57:00.002+08:00

well, its been a year..

all the changes,

expectations and disappointments

well, its a new year

still changing

still expectations and disappointments

after a year,

still the same old me

too much pride, fear of awkwardness.. especially you

but i know where i stand

don't want to be seen reaching

so i would rather bury it

2010-12-07T23:48:00.002+08:00

i am insecure about myself

i am disgusted with myself

i pretend to be comfortable in certain occasions which actually, I am not

everyday I tell myself I need to change

morph me into something delightful

but yet i fail myself everyday

and is because of this weakness.

The biggest flaw in my life

that i fail really terribly

GIVE ME THE POWER TO CHANGE IT...oh FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK

2010-11-29T22:27:00.002+08:00

i have a habit of losing things

not within my control

i will fall when is crucial

as I know I am weak

I am not good enough

I am inadequate

I am just not good enough

Why aim for the tree

when you are just a plant

but I want to be a tree

2010-11-29T22:22:00.004+08:00

i realise that i need to revive this channel

as a form of outlet

for what has piled up these months

the conscious and subconcious seems to have their paths crossed

"it shouldn't happen""I want it to happen"

aware and unaware

this indeed builds a struggle

2010-08-29T02:23:00.002+08:00

家，老了才回去就好

年轻时，要到处跑，接触世界的美丽

看到世界的奇妙，才知道家有多无聊

世界看多了，才知道家有多么好

家，老了才回去就好

2010-08-22T16:03:00.000+08:00

喜欢一个人孤独的时侯但不能喜欢太多

2010-08-21T13:17:00.002+08:00

I am delibrate in not trying
butterflies, moths, fluttering all over in my stomach
but with sheer mind power
I withold

I want but I can't.
tragedy

my ego post

2010-08-21T12:52:00.003+08:00

i like to be different
to know things that NORMAL pple won't know
interested in things that NORMAL pple won't be
to delibrately speak a different language in front of others
so as to not feel the same
i crush stereotypes
i draw satisfaction from doing this.
at times, is on purpose
sometimes is natural

I try to be an advocate for anti-culture

i like to be different
so that others will feel that they are different from you
maybe a desire to boost my inner ego

when i am emphasised not to
inner voices would tell me want to
especially if you don't deserve any darn respect
or if you have yet to earn any from me

2010-08-11T00:38:00.001+08:00

Moments I tried to talk
I knew I want to. Yet I m wary of a dagger lurking somewhere in your subconscious state.
That will stabbed me right where it beats A spillage of ruby red. I struggle for reality. This built a phobia, an unwillingness to tell you

2010-08-08T23:14:00.001+08:00

of great pain and disappointment period

2010-07-28T22:30:00.002+08:00

怎么逃，还是逃不了
我好像被困在一个圆圈里。
画面都感觉很熟悉，
好像都来过

2010-06-27T23:30:00.003+08:00

i guess it's been a period since I last wrote

a period of denial and sadness

still on the road to recovery, maybe never?

i am not sure

but at least for awhile I can take my mind off things

focusing on the tangibles

but weird things are happening along the way

not sure if is exactly positive

for me, maintaining it under the keeps is the best option

if not the only.

2010-05-01T03:13:00.001+08:00

honesty

simply honesty

2010-04-22T21:52:00.001+08:00

I had instant noodles with egg and vege
I had instant noodles with egg and vege again
I keep wanting to have instant noodles with vege

2010-04-18T01:19:00.001+08:00

Here without you

Its been awhile

2010-04-08T22:51:00.003+08:00

playing hide and seek?

pain.

suppress it

so mixed..

i know you

i would rather fade away

than you being upset

2010-04-06T00:26:00.001+08:00

it hurts both ways

2010-03-29T21:26:00.002+08:00

behind those plastic walls
so many words I dare not speak
grief which could not share
tears quietly shed

a closeted self

2010-03-28T02:34:00.000+08:00

in denial
running away
a liar
me

2010-03-20T13:27:00.001+08:00

this week had just murdered me

I can don't care about anything

but some things i just care

too much?

nope

2010-03-16T22:47:00.002+08:00

a flower that doesn't wither or uproot
the soil that gives it life
inseperable

2010-03-12T10:48:00.001+08:00

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today,
beside you all the way.

-extracted from "If", David Gates

2010-03-10T23:19:00.002+08:00

one of my most ironic attribute is the way I think

I think beyond simplicity

sometimes is just straightforward

yet I still read between the lines

well, irony because is a double edge sword

to kill at work, ha!

and to kill myself

2010-02-27T16:05:00.001+08:00

"And I'd go a thousand times around the world just to be
Closer to her than to me."
- David Gates

i would rather live in her world than living in a world without her

2010-02-17T01:08:00.002+08:00

i had the urgency to rush home today
like the same feeling when i rushed back from NYC and Philly
is just the adrenaline to be back
yet, eventually, there's nothing

seriously, nothing else really matters these days except for you
can you wait?
or are the doors shut already
just need you to believe

2010-02-10T21:55:00.002+08:00

upset because I really don't understand

i can't bring it to words

because the more i try to pen it down

it will be even more upset

but does this signal the end of rainy days?

2010-02-03T22:13:00.000+08:00

is just tiring how it messes my mind

and my soul

what's going on now, is seriously beyond interpretation

2010-01-31T23:20:00.002+08:00

I am afraid of dark nights

when my mind goes into the wilderness

with just my guitar and tears

circling, can't get out (with reluctance)

you came, brought me out

back to sanity

the moment i wake up

you're gone, again

and is back to those nights again

2010-01-31T20:49:00.001+08:00

really "bei song"...

i want to tell you

tt i m really "bei song"

argh... i m so unhappy and bei songggggggggggg.....

damn it!

growllllllllllll

Dear "leaf",

I m so bei song, the more i think of it....

i shouldn't be reacting so dramatically

but.. i m just bei song

2010-01-30T21:57:00.001+08:00

I think i m seriously irritating

and annoying

even though u say i m not

really?

cuz if someone(who don't matter, as much) keep doing this to me

I will probably run away

2010-01-29T08:02:00.000+08:00

可能

这是

放弃的

最好时段

2010-01-28T23:12:00.002+08:00

eventually I still can't resist

to care for you

the nights i spent

waiting by my bedside...dozing off

even if I want to portray I don't care

actually i really do..

u know it..

is just that I don't want to be annoying

u say u are happy

i hope is real

is not i don't believe

is just that...

is a message after all...

而我知道

2010-01-24T21:53:00.001+08:00

而我知道那真爱不一定能白头到老
而我知道有一天你可能就这么走掉
而我知道我知道这一切我全都知道
我就是受不了

而我知道我们曾天真的一起哭和笑
而我知道放开手但不知道怎么忘掉
而我知道你走了以后的每一分一秒
却还是这么难熬

2010-01-21T21:01:00.008+08:00

too far

unlikely

unreal

reality

harsh

hurts

lingers

2010-01-18T23:21:00.002+08:00

想说

说的出阿

却说不出

因为

装酷

装don't care

想敲

却不敲

因为

装酷

装don't care

继续忍

2010-01-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

我不配

挣扎

2010-01-10T22:08:00.004+08:00

some words kept in my heart:

我心中的挣扎，

很难说出来。。很多

只能用暗示

有时我真的无法集中

一直在想

又做梦，把梦变成现实

都那么久了，还在执著

心都给了，不想收回吧

我不要做web friend

你应该没把我当做吧，只是

有时我会觉得。。

不想敲，还是忍不住。

听着小宇，都把我心情说出来了。

2010-01-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

time to sleep
but i just can't sleep

don't want to

let

go

张震岳-小宇

2010-01-05T23:56:00.001+08:00

总有些惊奇的际遇
比方说当我遇见你
你那双温柔莹剔透的眼睛
出现在我梦里
我的爱就像一片云
在你的天空无处停
多渴望化成阵阵的小雨
滋润你心中的土地
不管未来会怎麽样
至少我们现在很开心
不管结局会怎麽样
至少想念的人是你
我不会把它当作游戏
因为我真心对你
总有些话是不能提
怕你会掉入选择题
我把情感自私的那一面
隐藏在黑夜里
我的爱就像一片舟
在你的心湖无处停
寻寻觅觅一个美丽的港湾
希望不再流浪漂荡
我不管未来会怎麽样
我不管结局会怎麽样
但我每天都想见到你
我想真的跟你在一起
如果你还是没法相信
真的没关系我会安静的离去

2010-01-03T22:55:00.003+08:00

work gonna start tml

i just hope somethings won't change

even if it does,

is in my favour.

the way i want it!

I am apprehensive and uncertain now

because of the change i think i will be facing

but.. just let things proceed naturally

but i am determine to try

really dreadful

2009-12-29T03:09:00.003+08:00

you guys had been telling me oh how cold it is..

I saw the pictures of snow too

you guys occasionally think that is dreadful

I always think that is desirable

oh how i yearn for cold weather

wishing that i could wear the clothes

that are hibernating in the cupboards

hoping for that random day to shine

bloody hell, the brolly and short sleeves had too much attention.

necessary but not welcome

If i would/will leave this country, it is because of the bloody weather.

sigh

2009-12-24T23:12:00.002+08:00

I felt this sudden adrenaline rush to be there

to spend this festive season

but yet again, I am held back

I m still here. why

who am I

2009-12-18T17:23:00.002+08:00

oh..why am I so stubborn

why am I so calm

me...putting on an act?

I am good at that

but what role am I playing?

I am confused

what should the analogy be like? let me think..

Help, I m alive

2009-12-11T11:41:00.002+08:00

i can't comprehend the feelings within me.

right now..

i hate being far

oh i had this rush

to be the pillar

that stops you from falling

oh i feel i have no limbs

i am a robot with real emotions

something which listens

like, thats all I can do right..

the rebel in me

is ready to defy

靠近

2009-12-08T14:06:00.000+08:00

世界如此宽
距离总是让我们无法坦白
闭上眼睛总有一些面孔一些片段
浮在心上寂寞也如此宽
世界如此忙
忙得你和我都失去了判断
赢了所有失去最初的梦
最爱的人最好时光
一切不能重来
靠近你就在今晚
感受彼此心中温暖
能不能靠近我就在今晚
不要再让彼此遗憾在今晚

回到当初

2009-12-08T13:17:00.002+08:00

我知我伤了你

伤了你的心

好像我做什么

都无法挽回

我已经深深陷入

后悔的沧海中

我不求挽救

只求你理我

让我们回到当初。

i'm sorry

2009-12-07T12:27:00.002+08:00

I cried myself to sleep

Drowning in deep regret

wishing that we could

go back to the times we had

昨晚，你突然不在

我在寂寞中放空

对这电脑银幕

希望你会出现

我不应该期待，回到当初

因为是我错了

可是我还会等

只为了说 sorry.

sorry

2009-12-06T23:55:00.001+08:00

只想说对不起

我伤了你的心

不要这样离去

我会等着你

不爽

2009-12-06T07:54:00.002+08:00

不服气，因为很多事我不明白。

不服气，因为真的不可能吗？

不服气，因为有被利用的感觉，可是又好像我自愿的

不服气，因为我明明就不想说，说了又不开心。。

不服气，因为我放不下。。突然好像永远都不会。。真的。。

不爽不爽不爽不爽。。。

omg

2009-12-06T02:05:00.002+08:00

i really can't comprehend what am I feeling..

is a mashed-up between positive and negative

happy because we are talking

but sad because is between the monitor and me.

so mixed, like we are near, but really, there's the distance.

when it rains, I can't be the umbrella that shelters you

when is cold, I can't lend you my jacket

when hungry, I can't bring food to you

when tired, I can't carry you

when weary emotionally, I can't lend you my shoulder

my heart is so willing.. to do everything

but it only makes me more helpless

really helpless..

I wanna say so much, but I feel I shouldn't say...

unspoken

2009-12-01T03:21:00.000+08:00

some words can't be spoken

is tough, bottling it up

how much i wish

真爱一生

2009-11-28T17:20:00.003+08:00

一片宁静海
潮水正轻轻推动着岸
我陪你走在这海岸
享受午后的温暖
和你轻轻诉说我们未来

紧紧拥着你
倾听你过往的点点滴滴
伤痛是一定会过去
宽容是一种美丽
忘记昨夜等待明早的晨曦

想与你洗尽千华梦
共度每一个黄昏
让空气之中充满真爱
海天一色亲密唱和
不管未来日子如何
悲伤或是快乐
和你共度生命每一刻

张信哲-真爱一生

what if

2009-11-27T18:31:00.003+08:00

I need to stop having unlikely questions and thinking of hypothetical answers.
There is no meaning in having those "what-if" thoughts as nothing can be accomplished
It brings only false hopes but real sadness
If there are "what-ifs" then this world will not have primarily sin which leads to misery, wars, fights, poverty,homelessness, and all the words of negative-connotation.
"what-ifs" is a dream, a dream to make you feel better at the moment,
but a feeling of emptiness when you realise it is not "that" possible.
BUT this miserable world needs "what-ifs" to lift them up, to give them hope and direction to give the questions ,filled with "what-ifs", real answers.
I am one of them.

fool

2009-11-26T23:11:00.003+08:00

sometimes I think that I am a fool
I walked into it myself
yet I can't get out

but lucky i got 蒋怡 everynight..

圆圈圈 -929 乐队

2009-11-23T00:03:00.003+08:00

整个世界好像就快要毁灭
停住的时间像电影画面
长长的思念偷偷卷成一个圆
我们在上面绕圈圈

你在电话那头不言也不语
我这边悄悄下著毛毛雨
寂寞的城市裡找不到真感情
我却悄悄离开你

可不可以再回头
可不可以再一次的拥有
如果下定决心大声说爱你
会有怎样的奇蹟

何必忘了。

2009-11-20T18:20:00.004+08:00

今天，我拥有了自己的时间
有了一点思考的空间。
走进了一间专卖独立商品的店
就卖些独立的...音乐，刊物，文具
觉得好熟悉，
一直以来
就很喜欢非主流文化
里面播放的音乐是..后摇滚
突然就觉得很舒服，自在。
好像很久没有这样了

又到了另一间书店
就翻阅了一些旅游书
看了我之前所去过的。
书中的图片，都令我兴奋。
可是，越读，就越想念。
好多好多memories
不知是被回忆锁住，还是我们锁住回忆。

又想想，何必抽离呢？
就随着时间，现实的折磨，我们都得梦醒
现在这样也不是很好吗
自然最好。。不要刻意。。

in this alone

2009-11-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

some things, not that I don't want to say
just that, so what if I say? is still the same
I am strong
enough to withstand....

miss

2009-11-13T03:08:00.003+08:00

ever since I came back
I had been unhappy.
cooping up at home is my avenue
disinterested in meeting people
not focused in doing what should be done
are these signs of depression?

I miss Six Flags,
days where we worked, we got tired, we complained, we ate
we travelled, we partied, we cried and we talked
I miss Eruption, doing the spiels, testing the karts, taking Kingda Ka
I miss the community we had
where everyone helped one another, hung out and went out together
I miss the carefree-ness, staying alone
nothing to care about, unrestricted life, just being responsible to myself
I miss my friends, walking around housing, saying Hi to people, visiting houses sometimes different, sometimes same, cooking for them
I miss Chow-Mein, cheap beer and patties
I miss looking forward to off days, we really cherished it as there were so much to do
I miss the weather. enough said about it
If only we could be there a little longer.
If only If only. as you said, there are no IFs.
I miss the way I missed my family

I miss seeing you. the real you. I paused, thinking if i should say but can i just be truthful once
I left my heart with you. Can I take it back? For now?
CAN U JUST GO AWAY!!!!
but please don't go...
I am always a paradox.

I hate the word "miss"

我要快乐

2009-11-13T02:58:00.002+08:00

快乐似乎从我的生命中跑掉了。
我好想把快乐找回来。
我知道它躲在哪
只是我拿得回吗？

emptiness

2009-11-12T05:14:00.002+08:00

我觉得好空虚！
clubbing seems to be a thing of a past
is just so meaningless
it was fun being around friends
but thats all! there's always something else to do
we used to enjoy it
but now, it's just energy zapping.
late nights? i would rather...
waking up feeling empty
i don't know when will I club again
or will I ever....

双脚要踏地！

2009-11-07T16:51:00.003+08:00

我不应该想太多
要活在当下
不要去想一些未来，也许不会成就的事

我会这样催眠自己!

早就应该放下，现有的，开心，就要珍惜
没有必要去想将来会怎样
因为根本没有如果这回事

谢谢你

2009-11-03T01:03:00.001+08:00

my mind needs to run away....
as far as it can
as fast as it can

my heart needs to come back...
as near as it can
as soon as it can

sucks leh

2009-10-28T00:06:00.002+08:00

we didnt talk much these few days
I chose to ignore
to give myself some landing ground
but what am i feeling
is just misery..
reality is.. I am helpless..
i got to move on, even if i don't
moving on alone sucks
cuz i still miss you

so what?

2009-10-24T14:55:00.003+08:00

m just getting a little nervous...
not sure if this is wise
so what....
i should just stop thinking...
numbing myself from all emotions

Taipei

2009-10-21T09:47:00.002+08:00

I am in taipei right now.
been doing nothing much,
didnt plan to do much
walking around, eating alot, meeting with friends
people ask me am I back
oh well, honestly, I do wish I was back
but...
I guess I will just linger on a little bit
even if it doesn't make a difference
it is an addiction

夕阳的思念

2009-10-12T16:13:00.002+08:00

Santa Monica, what a beautiful place
我想回去，又不想
因为它的美，带给我快乐
但它也让我伤心。
因为我不要一个人享受那温柔的夕阳
看那景色时，好想与你分享
好像带你看那夕阳
看那美丽的沙滩
有点冲动，跑到你那去，陪你去沙滩
行吗？
又能怎样？

勇气

2009-10-03T14:04:00.000+08:00

需要一点勇气
来对你说对不起
他一直在你的心中
我还爱上你
知道这样不行
偏偏继续下去
怎么会有结果
是我想太多
没有方向看不清楚在徘徊
我知道我一定
走不开
漫长的路寂寞的夜
在心里面哭泣的夜
你明白吗
只想在你的身边
我没有勇气没有力气
真的无法离你而去
你明白吗
只想在你的身边
你身边说爱你

missing

2009-10-03T13:28:00.002+08:00

it was nice talking to you once every few days
or a random message everyday
at least i won't miss you so much
i would have said that i miss you over the phone
but sometimes i just back out. LOSER!
but
it makes me feel that i am not too away
or you are not too away
i really want to see you again.. as oppose to what i say
and i am crossing my fingers real tight,
hoping that you manage to get a ticket back

叹气

2009-10-01T13:09:00.004+08:00

有时候，如果我可以选择的话，
我宁愿不离开，暂时。
我是有选择
我宁愿西岸都不去，是有想过。
那又怎么样？
始终还是要走
始终不会有结果
不如早点走更好

真的更好吗？

我好想你哦
真的好想好想你。
你有想我吗？
走了第一晚
我仔细看了那封信
我哭了
因为我不理解
那又怎么样？

也许昨晚我说不出口
可是我真的很想你。
我说不去找你，都是胡言
因为我好渴慕见到你
虽然之后走了真的会很痛苦。
可是不看到你更痛苦。

Travelling Pants

2009-09-17T21:57:00.001+08:00

is 10 in the morning
blogging from a New Yorker house
is pretty cool...simple.. cosy
tired from the ride back from DC..
is fortunate we have someone who took us in for a night
work is going to end soon.....

weather

2009-08-16T02:04:00.002+08:00

lets make this, the weather post.
the weather changes a person
but a person can't change the weather

it had been two months three days since we were here
i remember it was still cold and windy, spring's still lingering
but over a day, summer looms in
bright and sunny it was in the day, predictable
cool or sometimes warm, in the night, random
oh, how i wish sheets of white clouds would cover the glaring sun
with rays so strong, it pierces my skin
and dark clouds loom, occasionally, in the day
bringing a storm so strong, it keeps me away.
unpredictable
come September, summer is slowly leaving
autumn creeps in slowly
and it gets cold cold and colder
as we wave goodbye to summer
and prepare for a depressing Fall
unavoidable

bliss

2009-08-16T01:51:00.002+08:00

I am happy because i have look forward to everyday
it had been amazing to be around but I desire more

even if is just for the moment, make it beautiful
even if the end is here, just hold on tight
even if is impossible, make it possible for now

sometimes you(the other) makes me sour
can't grasp that
making things even more messed up

but i know that i will be depressed
for a while
the day we part
and I know i will regret
if because of my cowardly nature,
i fail to cherish the moment

New York City Boy

2009-07-28T04:58:00.002+08:00

Just came back from NYC
tiring but is really nice
like really really nice
i wanna live in SOHO... So.. Ho..

and I think i have overcome my fear of rides
really
I had been on Eruption(reverse bungee) like so many times
Daredevil dive 2 times for free(part of work)
and Nitro 3 times
yeah....
as i always said, since u r here
make use of it

2009-07-20T08:18:00.002+08:00

some things has taken a turn
turning bonkers is the direction i am heading
every day and night, is pestering(in a positive sense)
but 2 months is all it will be
time is slipping

2009-07-03T12:09:00.003+08:00

I am so tired
Waking up at working at 1030 is a chore
especially if you only sleep at 2am
and that's because we only eat dinner at 10plus
work is exhausting and energy zapping
and the sun is so unmerciful with chilly nights
fever is beckoning soon
so is just sleep work eat sleep work.. a routine
time passes fast with..a routine
i am so tanned, rainer tot that i was a colombian
but i like the darker shade
and i pray that God will carry me through
a brief(i hope) moment of strife

2009-06-27T01:03:00.001+08:00

only time will tell

First post in NJ

2009-06-18T13:42:00.003+08:00

People, I am in Jackson, New Jersey right now. Working at Six Flags Great Adventure.
and this is my first time blogging about the place after so many days..

Finally made our way here after a extremely long haul journey via taipei, anchorage and new york without any in flight entertainment. Can a human being really sleep for that long? one of us can, apparently. Had my first experience of sleeping overnight at the airport(JFK), not including the past studying expeditions, and lucky enough to find a private van to send us here ,paying lesser than planned and catching just a glimpse of NYC.

Internet connection here is really bad.. is really slow, somewhat like the situation when we just use had internet initially. Eating out and buying groceries here is quite expensive in comparison with those back home.Never bought necessities before so now, I felt the pinch. And the need to scrimp(but not on the shrimp, hmmm). The only cheap things here is like pasta and sauce. The weather, admist all, is delightful, with occasional showers though. But we didn't expect it to be so chilly here, though spring is going to end with summer making its presence. But i like the cold, something we are always deprive of. Don't have to worry about sweating, taking multiple showers and stuff. Is kinda inaccessible here, but you just have to get used to it, buying more stuff at one go rather then making multiple trips cause bus fare ain't cheap either. Just hitch-hiked my way back yesterday cause the last bus simply didn't come. Paying $50 for a taxi was ridiculous so I just had to try my luck. There's simply a lot of new things to experience here, others who are from different backgrounds, countries and way of lives. Guess the only passport throughout this 4 months is being open, compromise and adaptability. So far, I think I am doing pretty well.

shittly unsure

2009-06-12T00:28:00.002+08:00

will be leaving sg for awhile
in less than 12 hours
a long a haul flight
not sure what am I feeling now
not sure what i will feel when results are released
not sure whats going to happen there
so many things, so unsure
it sucks la...
i hate things that are out of my control

2009-06-11T10:53:00.002+08:00

“一生爱你
一生荣耀你
一生奉献
一生不回头”

这是，我的心声
听着，我都会哽咽。。。
因为，我真的不配

fruits are a confused bunch

2009-06-06T04:23:00.003+08:00

I am digging into the deepest trenches of my heart
to see, what am I actually feeling
to see, what it actually desires
to see, why is it so confused
a mix of indifference, doubts and excitement
is so eclectic, that spins different flavours all the time

I can only imagine...
so timid to do anything
and by your act of exclusion
I will just be even more sour.

room improvement

2009-06-02T21:35:00.003+08:00

My room went from this:

to this:

in a matter of 5 hours... boy, it was tough

WANT-on mee

2009-05-29T11:31:00.003+08:00

didn't manage to try the wanton mee
life changing to some, perhaps
it was closed on both occasions
when will it be my turn
an organised trip down was futile
diverted to joo chiat fei fei which was pretty good too
maybe i should just go down without them.
hehehehe

is this the end?

2009-05-28T20:56:00.003+08:00

my exams are over. so glad, cause it was pretty torturous.
not sure of the outcome, never sure, not bothered for now

final stretch that requires all
yet sometimes i just fall

the finishing line was reached today
but just reached
yet to cross.

Just want to pay tribute to a few pple and a few things that had helped me:

YOU, my parents, you

you, Eclipse, McDonalds (I swear I won't eat Mac for a few months) and

the life changing Wanton Mee which i am going to eat later.

Joe Hisashi- Departures OST, Chet Baker, Chick Corea, 8mm sky, Sugarplum ferry, Damien Rice, Streams of Praise, Joshua Worship Band

Coffee Bean Expo(thanks alfred and the occasional expo girl) ,Weng's house, Fab's office

and all who had studied with me in one way or another. Thank you.

2009-05-23T09:44:00.001+08:00

"cya at 11"

"er, can i reach like 9?"

as we exchanged SMS-es

"haha, your 9 always become 11, thats why i say 11."

well is 9.45 already and i am still blogging from home..

孤儿

2009-05-22T23:42:00.005+08:00

not sure do i have the rights to do so but just want to share an essay by a 15 yr old girl that renders cadence with my thoughts and perhaps many Singaporeans.

fragments from a cultural explosion. a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't fit. to think of it sometimes, we are the real orphans of Asia.

What the Modern Woman Wants... By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seatbelt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.' Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance' 'Liquidation' 'Assets' 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval. 'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.

'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily

toward the backseat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter. 'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in

America. There have been a lot of problems.' The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important. Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.' Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine.

She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird
daily prayer ritual.' Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend. 'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!' The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence.

The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side. 'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust

at the pungent fumes of incense.

The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods. Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is

too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man. Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success. What you see is not true - she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes. She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son. Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and

pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name. Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she

prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man. She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to.. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious

pearls would fall out and men would listen. She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu; old-fashioned.

She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.. Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes. Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, Wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.

The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter left the earth everything she had would count for nothing.. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions. The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: That her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one way to go from there - down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon in front of the altar. Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshiped every day of her life. Every day was a quest

for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty soulless shell at the altar.

The old lady watched her joss stick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing. Modern woman nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it. Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness.

They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before. 'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse

apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road . Once we move in to our apartment we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...' The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out - but

once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home. There's one near Hougang - it's a Christian home, a very nice one.' The old woman did not raise an eyebrow.

'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there.' 'You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself. This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers trace the white seat.

'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. 'Is everything okay?' What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more quietly. 'It's for you, Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda. I knew everything would be fine.' Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated.

Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money, Status, Career, Love,Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down... Yes, she was free. Her phone buzzed urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. 'Stocks

10% increase!' Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her... And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible, and she did not see the tears..

misery

2009-05-15T20:39:00.002+08:00

shouldn't have turned on the teevee
watched ch107, 烈火雄心 on repeat.
second last episode, packed with emotions
already quite drained from exams
and this sudden enveloping of emptiness
their buddy had to commit suicide la
and i gently weep
while biting on the ice
piling up the misery

2009-05-15T19:33:00.000+08:00

i really hope everyone can go.

together

2009-05-13T09:26:00.002+08:00

is not promising at all
certainly after yesterday
sigh.....

and always remember there's a cat in the box
take good care of it cuz is still there
right marc?

three cheers for 5 years

2009-05-10T23:20:00.001+08:00

I swear that you dont have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow, to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
and spend every moment I have with you 
stay up all night with the stars 
confess all the faith that I had in you 
I had in you

Too late, im sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words, so sing along for me baby
For heavens sake I know you're sorry
but you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same 
Inside I hope you know im dying, with my heart beside me
in shattered pieces that may never be replaced
and if I died right now, you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart, together would find us an opening
and moonlight would provide the spark
and that i would stumble across the key, or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me 
and you'd help me out of the dark

and I will always remember you as you are right now to me
and I will always remember you now 
remember you now

So sleep alone tonight
with no one here just by your side
sleep alone tonight
how does he feel how does he kiss
how does he taste while hes on your lips
I cant forget you
I know you want me to want you
i want to
But i cant forget you 
so when this is over dont blow your composure baby

I cant forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to...

and id give my heart as an offering

fight till the very end

2009-05-09T00:50:00.003+08:00

I guess in life is not always about yourself.
not that I brag, but i think that it is my only attribute
And this time round, is not about myself, is for you all
But in a way is for myself too... hehe

Is not about what you say all the time
rather is what you actually do

My actions had cause a fair bit of unhappiness and frustration
I swear I see through all concealers, all the nitty gritty.
and i truly appreciate and cherish what I have and what you all have
that it pains me to challenge it, causing further stress to it.
and if my words and my moves tak match,
is just superficial. Is soul-less
so i will try to break it, NO
I WILL break it
for the good of everyone.
and you will appreciate me
I will appreciate myself too

n wishfully, YOU will appreciate as well

Yesterday

2009-05-06T00:15:00.007+08:00

less than a month to the end of this phase.. hopefully
and we are
reminiscing so much.
so much to miss about..

i guess we are
reluctant
to move on
we will
inevitably

walls just started caving in

maybe a full stop
or just a comma

I dont know

2009-05-05T09:28:00.003+08:00

a friend once commented that I am good at creating rumors. He also added that he doesn't know when am I saying the truth and when I am not. To a certain extent, i agree, but is all in the name of a nice prank. The stopper is always on, before the trigger is pressed.

However these days, my heart seems to be playing games with me. I cannot differentiate what's true and what's not. Seems like I disturbed others too much, the trick is on me now. Disgusting. I spoke like I craved, even though I might not want. just like paparazzis, churning stories out of nothing. "Making love, out of nothing at all"

2009-05-05T09:20:00.000+08:00

I am jealous.

转变

2009-04-30T22:41:00.003+08:00

这里没有四季
让我无法期待
没有让人向往的春天
也没有让人沉睡的冬天
只能不断的奔跑
累了还在行走

听着“春泥”，想到，在一个没有四季的地方，我们，对于自然的情感，是多么的缺乏

Fuck the Flu

2009-04-30T11:01:00.003+08:00

I woke up to an sms sent from CNA :

The World Health Organization on Wednesday raised its pandemic alert to 5, its second-highest level, warning of widespread human infection from the swine flu outbreak that originated in Mexico.

I could not go back to sleep already. My worry is on a personal level, putting it bluntly, I am selfish. I secretly feel that the flu won't reach this side of the world, just like how SARS didn't reach that side of the world. Maybe is the difference in genetic makeup between an Asian and a Caucasian.but the Filipinos got infected before too.I don't know.

But i still await nervously because I don't my US trip to be cancelled because of a bloody flu, or because of anything. And the worse, if they going to quarantine us at home, our exams will get delayed and our trip will be affected also. Damn. but i have faith.

This trip doesn't seem as smooth sailing as others I had been to. especially in recent weeks, things are happening. And I will pack my bags, looking forward excitedly but nervously. An emotional tussle impending? At least for me

room switch

2009-04-27T00:12:00.002+08:00

bro's away for 4 days.. so i used his room again.. the air-con is more shiok as is blowing at you directly. Given this disastrous weather, i would not ask for more. Plus his mattress is more comfortable to sleep on. And is a bigger room, the wireless connection is better here too.. and it goes on. wonder if he enters army, i might pull a stunt and do a room switch.

God given

2009-04-22T14:40:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnmbJzH93NU

I can't embed this video but will still like to share this:

Susan Boyle, Britain's Got Talent contestant. First was Paul Potts now her. Their voices, magnificent. So what if they don't look impressive, their vocals has already broken down perceptions

can't deny

2009-04-15T23:17:00.001+08:00

I can't deny
I can't deny
I can't deny
that i have crumbled....
under

you.

ah nei

2009-04-12T21:45:00.002+08:00

Conversation I had with Timmo today during the boring Sunday School sermon

Timmo while eating San Za: You know yesterday I went to Starbucks to find my friend?
Me, eating San Za too: Uh huh.
Timmo: This indian guy pointed to the bagel, thinking that it is VADAI, "dey, do u have chilli with that dey?"
Me: *laugh out loudx*, told the joke to brother, both of us burst out laughing.

Told J what happened, who was beside my bro, she was so clueless because she doesnt even noe whats a Vadai. 3 of us carried on laughing at both their ignorance.

Then we went to buy more San Za